In the early days of a relationship, you want to be with your partner all the time. But if the honeymoon phase fades and they don’t grow out of the need to spend every waking minute together, or still demand that you text each other all day long, then your S.O. might be too clingy.
“Clinginess can be a red flag in a relationship, especially if it is persistent and makes the other person feel suffocated or overwhelmed,” Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind in New York City, explains. “While it’s natural to want to spend time with someone you care about, being overly clingy can be unhealthy, causing one to feel constantly monitored or controlled.”
Yes, partners have needs and it’s important to support them. But there’s a difference between that and someone who makes you feel guilty for not hanging out for the seventh night in a row. “Having needs means having specific requirements or desires you would like your partner to fulfill. It’s normal to have needs and to communicate them respectfully,” Dr. Hafeez says. “On the other hand, being needy or clingy typically involves excessively seeking attention or validation from your partner. [This] can often lead to an imbalance in the relationship, where one partner is overly dependent on the other for their happiness and well-being.”
Have you noticed that your partner has been exhibiting signs of clinginess? Should you tell them or should you cut things off before the relationship gets too unhealthy? Here, the experts break down the signs that your S.O. is too clingy, and suggest how to tell them that it’s becoming too much.
Signs your partner is too clingy
It might be time to reevaluate the relationship if your partner is showing these common signs of clinginess.
1. They always expect you to text back immediately
They constantly text you and always expect a response right away. So if you go an hour or even a few minutes without replying, they don’t handle it too well. Then come the double, triple, quadruple texts, and the multiple phone calls. If this behavior is common — even when they know you’re studying for an exam or working — then your partner is probably too clingy.
2. They follow you around
When you’re secure in a relationship, you have no problem letting your partner go out and do their thing while you do yours. But those who are overly clingy may feel the need to follow their significant other around everywhere, even without an invite.
If they meet you outside of your class once a day, that’s cute — but doing it after every period, every day is a little much. And if you tell them you’re hanging out with your friends tonight and they show up unannounced, it’s concerning and might suggest that they don’t trust you.
3. They get upset when you go out without them
In fact, if you say you have plans without them, they actually get mad, and might even start a fight over it. They might demand an invite, or make you feel guilty for hanging out with your friends instead of them — even if you just spent the whole weekend together. “Respecting your partner’s need for space and independence is essential,” Dr. Hafeez explains. “Allow them to have time for themselves and their interests.”
Your partner should embrace the friendships that exist outside of your relationship. If it makes you happy, it should make them happy. In a solid relationship, partners should trust that neither person would do anything to jeopardize that bond.
4. They stalk you on social media
They spend hours on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter and look to see what you’re up to. They monitor everything, including the posts you like, the Stories you pop up in, and who you recently followed.
“Clinginess can manifest underlying feelings of insecurity or anxiety. The clingy person may feel like they are not good enough for their partner or that their partner will leave them, so they cling to them to seek reassurance and security,” Dr. Hafeez explains. This might be why they always keep tabs on your social media activity, even if you’ve never done something to break their trust or compromise your relationship.
5. They need constant reassurance
Of course, it’s important to tell your partner how much you love and care for them. But if you communicate this to your partner often and they question your feelings or make you feel like your love isn’t enough, it could be a sign that they are too clingy.
“People with low self-esteem may cling to their partner to feel validated and worthy,” Dr. Hafeez explains. “They may believe that their partner is the only source of happiness or love in their life,” which might explain their need for repeated reassurance.
6. They make time for you, but only you
They don’t make an effort to see their friends, but when you ask to hang out, they drop everything. They shouldn’t put their life on hold for you, or neglect their own friendships. If they make that a pattern, their friends might disappear and their life will start to revolve around your relationship. Giving each other a healthy dose of distance can help you maintain your independence, and in turn, strengthen your bond as a couple.
“Respecting your partner’s need for space and independence is essential,” Dr. Hafeez advises.
7. They’ve also lost their own interests
They no longer watch The Bachelor with their friends on Monday nights because that’s when you have your soccer games. They stopped listening to BTS because you once mentioned that you don’t listen to much K-pop. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t have different interests, and when your S.O. starts shedding what makes them unique, it may be a sign that the relationship isn’t the healthiest one and they’re too invested.
“Find ways that you can feel excited and energized on your own,” Dr. Rachel Hoffman, PhD, LCSW, Chief Clinical Officer at Real, says. “That could look like hanging out with your own friends, pursuing a hobby, or just asking for a night to yourself to have a self-care night.”
8. They want to move way too fast
They ask to meet your parents after the second date. They talk about doing long-distance when you both head to college next year, but you’ve only been together for a month. It’s normal to feel excited about a relationship and daydream about a future together, but these expectations might also feel overwhelming to a partner.
If you think they’re moving too fast, consider having a chat about where you see the relationship going.
9. Your friends and exes are their enemies
They seem to dislike all of your friends because if you’re hanging with them, that means you’re not hanging with your S.O. Any mention of past relationships or former partners appears to spark a pang of intense jealousy as well, even if you haven’t seen or spoken to them in years.
Instead of making enemies out of all of your other relationships, your S.O. should respect that you have close friends, and that you were able to end your previous relationships on good terms and, in some cases, remain friendly. If texting your ex really bothers your partner, talk about it and try to come to an agreement about how you should move forward.
How do I tell my partner they’re being too clingy?
Every relationship is different, but before cutting things off, you might want to consider having an open and honest conversation. “Be clear and straightforward with your partner about your feelings. Avoid being critical or attacking, but make it clear that their behavior is causing you discomfort,” Dr. Hafeez suggests. Your partner might not realize that certain behaviors are clingy, or maybe you two just need to have a more transparent conversation about each other’s needs.
“A person’s past experiences, such as childhood trauma or previous relationships, can shape their behavior in a current relationship,” Dr. Hafeez explains. “For example, someone who has been abandoned in the past may be more likely to exhibit clingy behavior to protect themselves from being hurt again.”
“The word clingy is inherently critical because it describes someone’s personality, which can feel insulting,” Dr. Hoffman adds. “I suggest telling your partner how their clinginess is making you feel. You can say, ‘I’ve been feeling a little suffocated or that I’m losing some of my independence. I need some time to myself or I need alone time.’”
It might help to give examples, Dr. Hafeez says. Tell your partner that you felt overwhelmed when they called you nine times while you were studying for your bio exam, or that you felt bad when you told your friends you couldn’t hang out for the third weekend in a row.
“Ask your partner if there's a way you can both meet each other's needs without feeling smothered or neglected,” Dr. Hafeez advises. “Try to find a compromise that works for both of you.” If not, then it might be time to end things.
Carolyn Twersky is an associate editor for Seventeen covering celebrities, entertainment, politics, trends, and health. On her off time, she's probably watching Ru Paul's Drag Race, traversing NYC for the best donuts, or, most likely, enjoying time in her favorite place in the world: her bed.
Leah Campano is an Associate Editor at Seventeen, where she covers pop culture, entertainment news, health, and politics. On the weekends, you can probably find her watching marathons of vintage Real Housewives episodes or searching for New York City’s best almond croissants.
